Time After Time

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you

caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new

Flashback, warm nights, almost left behind

suitcases of memories, time after--

sometimes you picture me, I'm walking too far ahead

you're calling to me, I can't hear what you've said

Then you say go slow, I fall behind

the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting

time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray

watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm OK

secrets stolen from deep inside

the drum beats out of time

if you're lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting

time after time

you said go slow

I fall behind

the second hand unwinds

if you're lost you can look and you will find me

time after time

if you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting

time after time

time after time

time after time

time after time

--Time After Time, by Cyndi Lauper

This song holds a very special place in my heart, and as The Hubbs and I strolled down Memory Lane this evening I began to understand why.  You see, D - The Hubbs' best friend - is a phenomenal self-taught piano player.

He played this the night I met him, the very day his father passed away.  I have never been so touched by music as I was on that evening.  Meeting D for the first time is something I will never forget as long as I live.

As D sat down at the piano in that smoke-filled living room, someone had the brilliant idea to mike him.  I've just finished listening to the sound footage from that evening, and as I listened I found myself transported back to that night.  This man, this perfect stranger, came in and sat down at our friend's piano.  And proceeded to play the most profoundly sad music I had ever heard, straight from his heart.

As the evening went on, the soundtrack turned more and more upbeat.  Time After Time, I would find out later, was one of his old stand-by crowd-pleasing songs.

But I had never before heard the song played like this.  To this day, the original recording sounds wrong to me.  Nevertheless, any time I hear a portion of the song - Cyndi Lauper's version or D's - I stop and pay attention.

After listening to D's years-old performance this evening, it occurred to me that the lyrics may just be a little more profound than I had ever given them credit for in the past.  Living my life with this beautiful, sweet little autistic girl of mine has given me a new perspective.

Read the lyrics again...I'll wait.

Now think about them.  Really think.  Forget for a moment that this is a plaintive love song, and try replacing the singer with yourself...and the other person with your child.

For those of you who are not closely acquainted with a special needs child, this is a fairly accurate snapshot of what it's like for those of us who are.  Certainly, it can be interpreted in many ways...and this is just my personal take on it.  I understand that it can apply to all children.  It just happens to have tugged on my heartstrings in that oh-my-gosh-I-have-to-share-this kind of way.

Constant confusion...hesitance to make a move for the fear that this child or person will not understand.

Fear of falling behind.  Boy, ain't that the truth...no matter how proud we are of our little ones and their everyday miracles, there's always that underlying fear of never being able to catch up.  To whom?  Doesn't matter.  Fear is not a logical beast.

The chorus, really, says it all.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me...time after time...If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting...time after time

This, and this alone, is what we want our children to understand and embrace.  The undisputable fact that we, as their parents, are there for them every step of the way.  There will be hard times, of that we can be sure, but we are the lighthouses...the safety nets...here to guide these wonderful little people through life and to catch them when they happen to misstep.  And to make sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they know this: with us, they are safe...they are loved...they are perfect.  Despite their imperfections.

If The Princess learns and comprehends only one thing in her lifetime, I dearly hope it is this.