"Can someone help me?
I think that I'm lost here...
Lost in a place called America"
That's an excerpt from Wednesday by Tori Amos. I think it does a pretty good job of summarizing (albeit quite vaguely) why I haven't been writing for the past few days.
Last Thursday, The Princess had a very difficult time with Julie...to the point where she just couldn't hang anymore and we had to put her to bed so she could calm herself down. We took the rest of the normal session to discuss the game plan going forward. To continue therapies after The Princes turns 3 there will have to be a diagnosis of some kind, and we've come to terms with that.
On Monday evening my world came tumbling down for no apparent reason, except for the possibility that a few things compounded on top of each other during a planetary alignment while I was standing on my head or some other such cosmic weirdness. What I'm trying to say is that I lost my marbles for no good reason at all.
Everyone tells you it's going to be hard, but that it will be worth it. They tell you the good outweighs the bad. Which is all true. But no one can prepare you for the immense responsibility of making important decisions on behalf of another human being.
I've always been a fairly confident person, but lately I find myself second-guessing every decision I make. What if I'm wrong? What if she finds that out down the line and blames me for messing things up?
This is the kind of stuff that was running through my head, among a million other jumbled thoughts on Monday. The Hubbs took one look at me, asked me what was wrong, and I cried for an hour straight. Gulping, gasping sobs of the type usually reserved for teenaged jilted lovers...I'm surprised he could even understand my mumbled concerns between bone-rattling crying fits. It felt good to say these things out loud - it really did - but I felt awfully silly afterward. I know I couldn't have helped it, but somehow it seems as though I was overreacting in some way.
The thing is that all of this stuff that's going on with The Princess lately is big. No, scratch that, it's huge. And the fact that she can't voice her opinioin terrifies me. I can tell certain things by the look on her face or her demeanor, but all I want is for her to be able to communicate with us. We're starting to make some progress in this area - small, but significant as far as we're concerned.
No matter what, she's my little girl and I love her.
I just wish I was strong enough to be able to look at other moms with their kids who are The Princess's age, without experiencing the piercing jealousy I feel when they interact with each other so effortlessly. I don't want to resent other parents because their kids are having an easy go of it. I don't want to analyze every little thing The Princess does when other kids are around. Or other adults, for that matter. I don't want to look at another kid and be crushed that my little girl simply isn't there yet.
It sounds stupid, I know. But I'm only human. And - if we're being completely honest - I'm feeling a little lost these days, so please bear with me as I attempt to find my way again.
I know this is probably one of those times when you need to sort things out with just Steven (and maybe your parents) but if there is *anything* I can do at all to help or just to listen or be the one that you can call when you need to cry or need to laugh, please know that I think of you as much a "real" sister as anyone who was born with a sister can (which in our case would be kinda gross since you're married to my brother but you know what I mean.) In all seriousness though, even though she isn't "my" kid, it feels like she is so any struggles you're feeling with her, we're all behind you to support you every step of the way. And I can't believe that if you are making decisions based on what you feel is best for her, as her mother who loves her more than any other person on the planet (next to Steven) that they aren't the "right" decisions and she isn't going to blame you or resent you or anything. Anything done out of true, unconditional love is "right". While it isn't the same thing, I know I was going through some of these same thought patterns when we were faced with the thought of Kaitlynn needing brain surgery and what that would mean for her future. Sometimes we can't understand God's plan but He always has one for us and maybe this is to test your strength or to have Chloe all teach us something. Either way, just know that we all love her exactly the way she is and will always be here for you guys. I love you!
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how close I was to crying when I read this on the train this morning, Sis. I love you right back and I wouldn't trade you for the world. So what if we weren't born sisters? It was worth the wait. :) Thank you for always being there for me.
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