Escape

It never ceases to amaze me, this range of totally unveiled emotion. Of course, there's a bit of it in every child, but I can't help feeling as though with my girl it's somehow...I don't know...more.

In the span of five minutes, The Princess goes from happy to sad, angry, bored, frustrated, independent, needy, and everything in between. Absolute, unbridled joy is often followed immediately by inconsolable, blubbering, alligator-tear-streaked misery.

Her eyes give her away every time.

One look at that beautiful face, contorted in reaction to some invisible force, eyes pleading for help even though she has no words, is enough to break my heart.

I turn my head for a second, pleading with God to help me help her. When I look back, she's grinning with tear-streaked cheeks, pulling me in for a hug, eyes twinkling as though nothing ever happened to disrupt her.

And just as quickly, she's in her own world, focused completely on some seemingly mundane thing like a scrap of paper, as if it's the only thing in the entire world and deserves no less than her undivided attention.

I know from experience that this piece of paper can be the center of her universe for an hour or more if I let it. I also know that I've been told it's best to try to redirect her energy to something constructive when she starts to stim.

But somehow, I just can't bring myself to do it. At times, it seems like stimming is the only thing that allows her the opportunity to escape the constant barrage of input that sends her senses reeling so many times each day.

And so it is, from time to time, that I sit here and quietly observe. I refrain from offering an alternative, and I drink in the calm on my baby's face.

Everyone deserves an escape.

Together

Once I got over my meltdown, I was able to see a little more clearly.  It sure helped to have T there to listen to me rant, though.  (Girlie, I have no idea what I would do without you.)

So I spent the better part of the late afternoon/early evening yesterday drafting the following message.  I didn't want to sound like I was accusing anyone of anything, because that was certainly not the point.  I did want to call attention to the fact that The Hubbs and I are concerned about The Princess.

***

Hi Mrs. G.,

I'm concerned about The Princess.  The diarrhea issue you've been describing is by far at its most prominent when she is at school, and it's often only through your notes that I even know it's happening.  Most days, we don't see any indication of this at home, even if it happened all morning at school.

**Of course, while I was at work today, The Hubbs called to let me know that she had an explosive BM early this afternoon.  We didn't experience anything like this at all during her week at home, so this is new to us!

Because of this, I'm convinced that the cause is not 100% PICA (as suggested by you and Nurse S.) or stomach bug (as suggested by her pediatrician)...I think it might be a combination of the two along with anxiety or nerves about something unfamiliar or unpleasant to her. 

I'd love to talk about this with you when we both have the time, but I don't want to blind-side you with a phone call out of the blue.  :)

Here's a short list of questions I have about what's been happening at school:

What time of day are these BMs happening - before lunch?  After lunch? 
How often?
Are there any new people in the classroom?
Are there any new objects or activities?
Does she seem more agitated than normal?
Does she seem more tired than normal?

At home, she's seemed completely normal - no fever, good temperament, all that jazz.  She has not been eating anything outside, and we've been keeping a very close eye on her since this issue started a couple of weeks ago, so I don't think it's anything she's eating.

Her pediatrician told us that there's a tummy bug going around that involves diarrhea, which can last from 2-14 days.  She also said that it's something that has to run its course, and that kids and adults who've already had it can catch it again.

Thanks for listening...I just want to make sure I'm doing everything I can do for my little girl.  Please let me know when you've got some time so we can talk about this.


Thanks!
One Mom

***

And, as I should have known, I received a wonderfully receptive message back within an hour or two...long after The Fabulous Mrs. G.'s work day had ended.  She and I will be talking in the next day or so to see if we can figure this out together.

Together: such a beautiful word, don't you think?

Meltdown

One solid week home from school, and her little tummy seems to have evened out.  The pediatrician gave me a note stating that it was okay for her to return to school, that this tummy bug that's going around seems to be done with my girl's system.

The whole house breathes a collective sigh of relief as we prepare The Princess for her triumphant return to school.

Until we receive another note home - after her very first day back - complaining that she has had the same issue that kept her home in the first place, that is.  The issue that, for some reason, happens at school and not at home.  The issue that I, her momma, have been saying since the beginning must be caused by anxiety or nerves of some kind.  The issue that her doctor attributes to a stomach bug.  The issue that her school nurse wants to attribute to her PICA.  The issue that comes back when she is at school and mysteriously disappears when she's not there, proving that it can't possibly be 100% attributed to either of these things.

The issue that has been discussed so many times in the past two weeks - without ever really discussing anything at all - that I want to pound my head against the wall.  We can all spout our theories until we're blue in the face, but unless each of the involved parties is willing to shut up and listen, even just for a second, not a single effing thing will change.  Why am I the only one who can see this?

My sweet little Princess is home from school again today, and will remain so indefinitely.  Until and unless someone agrees to get off their high horse and listen - for Pete's sake, listen - to me and to each other, I just can't send her back there.

And why the hell do I have to take every note home as some sort of critical attack on The Hubbs and me as parents?  I know I'm stressed with school right now, but I swear if I wasn't thirty freakin' years old, I'd be convinced I was going through menopause.  I can see that I need a major attitude adjustment here, but there's nothing I can seem to do about it at the moment.

With every fiber of my being, I wish I wasn't in school right now.  I wish I wasn't working 40+ hours a week.  I wish with all my might I was home with her, because even though I know things wouldn't be any different, at least I'd feel like I was doing all I could.  Helpless, hopeless, angry, exhausted, embarrassed: these are just a few of the things I'm feeling at the moment.  Logic flew out the window a few miles back...it no longer has a place here.  I wish I could change the way I feel, but I'll be damned if I can figure out where to start.

Who says meltdowns are reserved only for the person in the house who has autism?